Friday, September 21, 2007

Hysteria

Was just going through my music library..they say a perfume is a memory...evoking moments and stirring up feelings of times gone by...I believe the same applies to music..every song represents a time..a phase..a glimspe of the past..Im tuned to Def Lepards Hysteria...everytime it plays I find myself back in college..taking an afternoon drive when the stress of coursework was too much with my best friend and doing insane things just to vent it out..life wasnt care free...but we were free spirits...to this day it still tugs a half smile to curl across my lips as I find my thoughts continuing to reminisce down memory lane...
Another place...another time...another me.

Quite a while since Ive gotten back but yet I still feel out of my element...more like from the outside looking in.

I am glad to be home..Im glad for stability and newfound 'normalness'..I was hoping that I could create dreams and take my part in the world...I want to be the best surgeon that I can be...what began as a new adventure of hopes and dreams at work ended up in being the very bane of my existance and crippling me both as a person and a physician..I hope one day to help give professionalism a voice in an unprofessionally appalling system that thrives on a sick sink or swim basis and to each his own...Im tired of it of it all...I finally threw in the towel and decided to resign...So far...best decision of my life...

On a personal level...Although Ive never believed in the word cant...Ive tried and tried so hard to fit in and I just cant...literally Im a fish out of water..I miss diversity...I miss the thrill of feeling alive...I miss intellectual discussions...more precisely common sense...I miss tolerance and acceptance..I miss fun challenging experiences that allowed me to get to know myself better by allowing me to push my boundaries...you cant understand people until you know yourself...you cant function as a person unless youre a hundred percent honest with who you are and what you are...and you cant have peace of mind until youve accepted yourself and made peace with the whole package...the good...the bad...the ugly...because from that point on striving to be a better person becomes easier...youre equipped and able to handle the unexpected choices and challenges that life throws your way.

Its been daunting...some days I feel like Im disappearing...I dont want to get out of bed and Im not feeling so bubbly...I just want to hit the pause button and stand still in time...other days I think to myself like a mantra...baby steps...baby steps...theres some shiny rainbow that will appear and bring back all the magic that I used to see life through...as naive as it may seem..I still wont believe in cant...

2 comments:

Abdulrahman said...

PC

in the mid of your post you said " I miss fun challenging experiences that allowed me to get to know myself better"

probably this isn't exactly fun but it is a challenging experence that will allow you to know urself better and push yourself further than yyou ever did...

everybody that i've known who left home and came back had a rough time adjusting. eventually, almost all of othem either fitted in the culture or formed their own sub culture.

i really do believe in you and what you can accomplish. you will fulfill your dreams and goals i'm sure of it.

baby steps and the disbelief of the word can't is all u need...

PinkChampagne said...

Abdulrahman thank you so much for your kind words..it means alot.
You brought to light a new perspective that yes, this is a challenging experience which should enable me to know myself better...I used to think of it as leaving myself behind whilst trying to form a new subculture as you put it..whereas in fact this is an extension of my personal education.
Youve always been great with introspection.