Winter chills

Im still learning how to get the hang of things technologically speaking...I still have to learn how to embed youtube videos and music players so I can get to share with you the mood Im in as I type my entries.

Ive been dubbed a technoblonde on the forum...its not my fault..As sexist as this sounds growing up barbies were for girls and computers were for boys...I was not in the least bit interested in getting all tangled up in weird wires and computer programs...My O levels came and I dreaded the end of year computer project we had to submit...it put me off technology for an extremely long time.

On the bright side...Im gearing up for my yearly vacation...yippy skippy :D I got my approval today and Im feeling absolutely fantabulous already..theres nothing like loads of me-time with a change in scenery and travelling to a place where you feel most in your element to lift the spirits and put the bounce back into your step...come december (YES!Its that long :D ) when I start work again Ill be skipping merrily down the hallways of that dreary dreadful place until they set me free and approve my resignation.

The first evening of my weekends are usually the most fun..I have all this energy that I cant wait to let out..I dim the lights...play my favourite weekend tunes...mostly those that remind me of weekends in another time..and I get dressed and think of a parallel life in history where I would be doing the exact same thing listening to the exact same tune...it feels so familiar yet so different..the past comes to terms with the future..and for those few minutes I let myself slip away into the back of my mind...allowing the familiar ghosts of the past to surround me and comfort me with mischief and laughter.

This is a track that soothes me no matter where I am..the bass...the vibes..its just sexy...I love playing it in the car on a long trip in the dark where its just the privacy of my thoughts and the beat...or in the background in my bedroom as I morph into a more stunning version of my doctor persona.

Daft Punk 'Something about us'.

My sister'sbirthday was a couple of days ago..it was one of the nicest evenings Ive had in a while..I had so much fun designing her birthday cake and I was extremely yippy skippy when it turned out perfect...she loves butterflies and I managed to incorporate that into what I had in mind...needless to say she cheered up immensely at the fact that her bday midweek didnt have to be boring.

Hysteria

Was just going through my music library..they say a perfume is a memory...evoking moments and stirring up feelings of times gone by...I believe the same applies to music..every song represents a time..a phase..a glimspe of the past..Im tuned to Def Lepards Hysteria...everytime it plays I find myself back in college..taking an afternoon drive when the stress of coursework was too much with my best friend and doing insane things just to vent it out..life wasnt care free...but we were free spirits...to this day it still tugs a half smile to curl across my lips as I find my thoughts continuing to reminisce down memory lane...
Another place...another time...another me.

Quite a while since Ive gotten back but yet I still feel out of my element...more like from the outside looking in.

I am glad to be home..Im glad for stability and newfound 'normalness'..I was hoping that I could create dreams and take my part in the world...I want to be the best surgeon that I can be...what began as a new adventure of hopes and dreams at work ended up in being the very bane of my existance and crippling me both as a person and a physician..I hope one day to help give professionalism a voice in an unprofessionally appalling system that thrives on a sick sink or swim basis and to each his own...Im tired of it of it all...I finally threw in the towel and decided to resign...So far...best decision of my life...

On a personal level...Although Ive never believed in the word cant...Ive tried and tried so hard to fit in and I just cant...literally Im a fish out of water..I miss diversity...I miss the thrill of feeling alive...I miss intellectual discussions...more precisely common sense...I miss tolerance and acceptance..I miss fun challenging experiences that allowed me to get to know myself better by allowing me to push my boundaries...you cant understand people until you know yourself...you cant function as a person unless youre a hundred percent honest with who you are and what you are...and you cant have peace of mind until youve accepted yourself and made peace with the whole package...the good...the bad...the ugly...because from that point on striving to be a better person becomes easier...youre equipped and able to handle the unexpected choices and challenges that life throws your way.

Its been daunting...some days I feel like Im disappearing...I dont want to get out of bed and Im not feeling so bubbly...I just want to hit the pause button and stand still in time...other days I think to myself like a mantra...baby steps...baby steps...theres some shiny rainbow that will appear and bring back all the magic that I used to see life through...as naive as it may seem..I still wont believe in cant...

Bitter lemonade

"Bitter lemonade on a cold summer day a sorry serenade but you said i neednt cry and if you should feel misunderstood maybe i could defer our first goodbye bitter lemonade our lives we paid for the moments we prayed together forever's a cliche and ever we say but never do we trust in forever to each is his own a clone of a heart and stone of adam&eve's unjust fairytales exist in the midst of a play in the fist of a game they call lust.. love will only be when we see the possibilities.. of sacrifice and for us i shall pray oh my bitter lemonade.. for sweet judgement day in Sweet Afterlife.."

Meyam.

My favourite poet in cyberspace...one of my favourite bestests..Meyam...ubertalented...uberfunny..and gets me like nobodys business...no judgement...just fun..lots of laughter and lots of her sassy no-nonsense attitude to life.
I adore Meyams poetry...and although my poetry has remained very private over the years..I gave in to the urge in me to immediately reply back one night...here is our collaboration...

A Promise
Meyam:
Help me understand this rollercoaster ride..of never ending madness you planted one inside....never did you tell those around me of your crime...i sometimes wish you had hands that drip of aided suicide....a face i'd recognize before the shake of hands....a walk around the city of Heartbreak... before the neighboring lands.... love if i were you i would seal the perfect deal....with a warning before attempt; hearts should be made of steel.
PinkChampagne:
Hearts indeed should be made of steel...numbness I wish to only feel..contradiction burns whats lost not found...Memories moments cocoon surround..Love..you haunt before sunrise..bring my senses back to life...will it fade will it rest..words and walls...no more pretence.

One of the most profound moments we go through are the moments we realize we lose...a state of being which forces us to question so much and reflect on the could be's and maybe's...I let go of a part of myself that could not be reclaimed because I didnt own it...its out there somewhere on its own....I believed in it and I still do...not in its outcome..but in its strength...its uncanny ability to stay put together even when my faith in it wavered...its given me resilience when I needed it...given me hope when I never realized that I had lost it...dispelled all my preconceived notions about how I thought I should be...gifted me with the most fantabulous times Ive ever had..and I decided to allow that happiness to enrich life by setting it free.
We all think each and every part of us belongs to us but thats not true...everyday we give parts of ourselves to others...our thoughts...our feelings...our patience...our time...we pass on lessons...we learn lessons..we create moments within our families...our friends...our workplace...sometimes those things stay with you...other times when its for a worthier cause you choose to let them go.

Rehab

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUpsX7ihHdY&mode=related&search=

"Pain comes in all forms...the small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain...The normal pains we live with every day..Than theres the kind of pain we cant ignore..A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else...makes the rest of the world fade away...Until all we can think about is how much we hurt.
How you manage your pain is up to you.
Pain.
We anesthetize..write it out...embrace it...ignore it.And for some of us the best way to manage pain is to just push through it...
Pain.
You just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more."

Bedtime thought:
Strength...often the knowledge that youre strong is what makes close ones take comfort in the fact that you'll be okay...sometimes thats a good thing...and sometimes...nothing in this world can make you feel more alone...

Utopia

I like being alone...I love the feeling...soothing thoughts...a world of reveries....a utopia not polluted with menial trivia of everydays humdrum existence.

Im lost in my own world these days...stressed would be an understatement...but this too shall pass...I recently resigned at work and it felt absolutely fantabulous...its just waiting the for the approval thats boring me..

In the meantime Im registering for my American Board exams to begin the first step of applying to the toughest surgery residency program out there to train me into becoming the best plastic surgeon I can be.

Ive also been reading alot this summer...my summer list was brimming with titles that I will continue to read through to early fall...

Im loving the Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini a raw and emotional story of a man who returns to his native Afghanistan still under Taliban rule to right a longstanding wrong and rescue his childhoods friend son..I cant wait for the movie adaptation thats due to be released this winter...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1Ivdc76nAY&mode=related&search=

Also interestingly is the book "The spiral staircase; My climb out of darkness" by renowed neosprituallyreligious author Karen Armstrong who gives readers a stunningly poignant account about the nature of spiritual growth.

And I absolutely cannot cannot stop without mentioning Elisabeth Gilbert's memoirs 'Eat...Pray..Love' a lighthearted but deep account of recovery...discovery and spiritual soul searching...her exuberance and witty humour had me laughing out loud as I followed her journey across the lush backdrops of Italy..India and Bali and reinspired my belief that passion will always be your guiding light.

Welcome to Insomnia

Tonight seems to be pretty slow and peaceful...been like that for a while...its a lazy summer and I eagerly wait for the begining breezes of winter...
I miss the snow...growing up there'd always be snow every winter and Id press my nose to the window as a child waiting for mom to go upstairs so that I could run off in the night and see if the snowman we built that day would come alive with magic....
I always wanted to grow up so that noone would ever tell me when to go to bed...here I am...wishing I had that childhood back...wishing those dreams and stories and fairytales really were true...when all wasnt well we would hide into our beds under the covers to a lullaby...
As adults we have the voices of our thoughts in the silence of another insomniac night..

Here are my memoirs...

To be or not to be

"Journeys end in Lovers meeting" Shakespeare.
I cant think of anything that perpetuated my romantic notions more than Shakespeare..Back in school I loved his sonnets..his poetry...his work..he fueled all idealistic fantasies in a very realistic world. I came to discover that passion was my secret to life...It helped me channel all my energy into doing all the things I believed in...allowed me to stand up for the causes I felt were worth fighting for and got me in loads of trouble countless times.. Passionate people are also very impulsive and thats a lethal combination. It didnt stop me...and I never learned...interestingly in the worst of times when Id be in the middle of some catastrophe..I realized he was right 'Though this be madness,yet there is method in 't '...I found out so much about myself...I questioned and I reflected...What I gained spiritually was worth the price I had paid...made the light shine a bit brighter and propelled me to carry on... Its so easy to take the safe route...stay in the safe zone and blend in...I did that alot after moving back here...So worried about the intensity of passion I had in me...didnt want to be misunderstood and labelled by my own..figured that I was doing the right thing...and convinced myself that I was now an adult starting a fresh page with a scheduled life...and that accepting that would be for the best.. 'Cowards die many times before their deaths'...It couldnt ring more true..honesty is not with other people...its with yourself...It took one incident to turn my world upside down and realize that everything Ive been striving for led me off the path that Id written for myself...I wasnt being true to myself...and in turn I'd always feel empty inside...By my own standards I had failed miserably... The path to greatness isnt that of achieving recognition...it isnt that of having material wealth...its a feeling of completeness. Its a connection..with yourself and the world around you...its showing courage when you least feel like it..its being true to the core and unleashing your passion to pave your own way..